So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
