Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
