The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
