You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
