I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize