Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize