I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
