I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
