i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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