I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
