I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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