So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
