part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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