I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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