She is in my trunk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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