How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
