It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
