I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
