I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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