she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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