shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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