saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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