You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
