I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
