I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
