I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
