How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
