i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
