im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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