i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
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