im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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