well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
