we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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