I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
