Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
