We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
