are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
