I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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