its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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