I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
