remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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