umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
