you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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