I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
