i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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