if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
