how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
