I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
