Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
