he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize