And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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