I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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