Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize