god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
