Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
