I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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