Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
