I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
