Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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