well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
