So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
