He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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