I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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